Evil coffee maker in new blitz shock

The residents of Priory Road were hit by a fresh onslaught of hostilities yesterday, as the notorious leader of a rebel band of household implements adopted a fiendish new strategy: melting. The alarm was raised by a local woman returning home from work around seven p.m., who was hit by the accrid smell of burnt plastic and the sight of her obviously shaken flatmate clutching a cup of camomile tea and nervously eyeing his computer. Investigations revealed that the luckless man had set the coffee maker to boil and turned his back to hang up some washing when the attack began. "I kept waiting for it to start gurgling," he said later, trying not to break down. "Then I smelt that awful smell, and I just knew......"

Said one member of the household, who was too frightened to be named, "Things have been fairly quiet around here recently, with only a suspiciously high number of lightbulbs blowing at odd times. I never expected the coffee maker would try anything like this, and now I'm nervous about using the toaster. But life goes on - we have to make breakfast somehow."

By eight p.m. yesterday, the mis-shapen coffee maker had been neutralised under several layers of poly bags, and dumped in the rubbish. A spokesperson for Camden Local Authority tried to play down fears that the evil beast might try to return under cover: "There is a small possibility that the melted plastic parts of the coffee maker could end up being recycled as a slotted spoon or ladle, but we are almost certain that the heat generated by the melting incident will have de-natured the plastic, making it unsuitable for re-use." Instead, the coffee maker will probably lie entombed in a landfill site outside London for the next 100,000 years or so.

Fears that residents of Priory Road might have to make do with tea this morning were assuaged when an ageing cafetiere was located at the back of a cupboard.