dire academic writing

I was just clearing out old papers in preparation for moving into my new flat (hiccups with happiness at the thought) and found a newspaper clipping on Philosophy and Literature journal's Bad Writing Contest from a few years ago. I couldn't resist sharing the winner with you:

'Indeed dialectical critical realism may be seen under the aspect of Foucauldian strategic reversal - of the unholy trinity of Parmenidean/Platonic/Aristotelian provenance; of the Cartesian-Lockean-Humean-Kantian paradigm, of foundationalisms (in practice, fideistic foundationalisms) and irrationalisms (in practice, capricious exercises of the will-to-power or some other ideologically and/or pscyhosomatically buried source) new and old alike; of the primordial failing of western philosophy, ontological monovalence, and its close ally, the epistemic fallacy with its ontic dual: of the analytic problematic laid down by Plato, which Hegel served only to replicate in his actualist monovalent alaytic reinstatement in transfigurative reconciling dialectical connection, while in his hubristic claims for absolute idealism he inaugurated the Comtean, Kierkegaardian and Neitzschean (sic) eclipses of reason, replicating the fundaments of positivism through its transmutation route to the superidealism of a Baudrillard.'
Roy Bhaskar, Plato etc.: The Problems of Philosophy and their Resolution

I don't think it would be unreasonable to demand a custodial sentence for that. If popular acclamation is sufficient I would be more than happy to supply the first runner-up as well which is a doozy (what is a doozy?).